When I was in my early twenties, I realized that what triggers me have become ancient. Now, I am tangled and always conscious of how to talk, act, eat and even sit around people because I am concerned about what they’ll think of me, the rumours that will be spread, and the failure/setbacks these will generate. My buddies then will say ‘she is the quiet type’. Well, they were right, but it was as a result of my destroyed self-esteem. Growing up, I was the girl you would find in a theatre’s drumming and dancing groups. Oh, I loved acting. In high school, I was a troublemaker; all my teachers knew me and flogged me because I was either disturbing the peace of the class or sleeping during lectures (What a child I was!), but I lost all when I decided to broaden my horizons.

Science has always been my safe haven and favourite thing because I love reading and learning, which was why I pursued a career in clinical research. Change is dynamic. When it occurs within us, we don’t realize immediately until the effects start to show in our daily lives. Over time, I stopped being the bubbling and talking type. I focused more on my flaws than my strengths, I began to notice my colour and appearance because I know I was different. The major effect I saw was shattered self-esteem; I started behaving differently to be accepted, caution became my watchword. I stopped defending myself against their slanders/conspiracies because of the fear that I might be thrown out, ridiculed and stripped of my science. So, I relegated into the background and my happiness became dependent on their positive words and acceptance. Often when I try to break the hold and reclaim myself, something bad happens; people misinterpret my intentions, judge, and abuse me because I operated outside what they call ‘ACCEPTABLE’, their piercing words and rejections brings me back to hiding.

Inferiority complex became my identity and sincerely the disadvantages are enormous. People prey and exhort my abilities, take advantage of my quietness and shyness, use and dump me because they know I am defendless. Writing about it provides me with a platform to stand and remind myself that ‘this is not me, and that the world made me this way’ and to continuously break the hold daily. I don’t want to be perfect, but I want to evolve with my imperfection, be myself at all stages of my life, retrieve my self-esteem, fight/stand for myself when everyone else fights against me, lift my head high when I am being laughed at, taunted and disgraced.